Golden Year

It just occurred to me that today is my half birthday…

 

I’ve been 24 years old for six whole months. And I’m so incredibly disappointed…I’ve nearly wasted it.

They say that when you turn the age of the day you were born, it is your “Golden Year”. The most magical year of your life. I dreamed my entire life about turning 24…

As a little girl, I had so many plans for this monumental year. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait. I dreamed about being independent, living on my own, being in love, and being crazy, stupid, happy. So happy that I’d start to have those silly lines on my face from smiling so much.

I dreamed of the perfect job with the most stylish clothes and the most incredible girlfriends to brag about my day to at happy hour. I just knew that after a long day of work I’d be able to kick off my heels (or flats, let’s be real – I’m too bow-legged to be able to wear heels for longer than 8 minutes, let alone 8 hours), and fall onto the couch into the arms of the love of my life. I had stupidly foolish fairytale dreams of my Golden Year.

And in a flash, it’s halfway over.

I was 24 for an embarrassing twelve days before my life completely crashed before my eyes. My long-term boyfriend was struck and immediately brought to his death in a motorcycle accident. Everything that I had planned, brainstormed, and imagined was gone in a split second…literally.

I’ve been a disgusting mess ever since.

I haven’t been able to get out of bed all day. But suddenly it occurred to me that rather than being crazy, stupid happy for my Golden Year, I’ve spent it hiding, crying, lying to myself, isolating myself, cutting myself…and ultimately, hating myself.

Not only am I not anywhere near as happy as I had dreamed as an innocent child, I’m unbelievably and embarrassingly depressed. My light has nearly gone out. And I’m so ashamed of that…

I’ve fallen victim to this trap of grief, and boy, does it have its nasty, gnarly teeth sunk deep into my soul. I am broken and lost and in this dark hole that I can’t seem to crawl out of. I mean, I’m not sure if I ever stood a chance – I’m only 5’3.

But, I’ve always been a silver-lining, horoscope, “glass half-full” type of girl.

So while on this day, my golden year may be halfway over,

I still have halfway to go. I’m going to make it count.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Make it count Blog Bestie!!! I love you ❤️

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  2. OOOMMMGGGG Paige!!!! I know we’ve never met, but my heart is broken for your loss! I saw the email notification for your blog, and wondered if all your other blog notifications had gotten stuck in some email traffic — but now that I’ve read EVERY SINGLE LINE of this —- some lines twice — I am saddened. I remember your blog about planning a vacation with him (maybe a cruise if my memory serves me correctly) and just like that. Wow Paige. I’m proud of you for finding the courage to share the truth of your hurt and the depth of your loss with us. I have no words. But thank you for letting us into this space with you.

    Hugging you warmly and tightly. I will be praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was thinking about you the other day. I am so happy to see you back in the blogosphere. Your story is going to inspire and encourage so many people. Thank you for having the courage to share. We have certainly missed you. You continue to remain in my thoughts and prayers 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Paige, I am so terribly sorry for the liss of your dear boyfriend!! I remember you writing about him so vividly, I felt I could see you two together. You have every right to cry and grieve and be sad. No guilt. Life threw you a major curve ball and time is what will heal you. You are not aline. Nearly one year ago my mother died. It’s been a tough year. I just want you know you are not alone. Be kind to yourself. You’re such a terrific young woman! Big hugs!!

    Like

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