It just occurred to me that today is my half birthday…
I’ve been 24 years old for six whole months. And I’m so incredibly disappointed…I’ve nearly wasted it.
They say that when you turn the age of the day you were born, it is your “Golden Year”. The most magical year of your life. I dreamed my entire life about turning 24…
As a little girl, I had so many plans for this monumental year. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait. I dreamed about being independent, living on my own, being in love, and being crazy, stupid, happy. So happy that I’d start to have those silly lines on my face from smiling so much.
I dreamed of the perfect job with the most stylish clothes and the most incredible girlfriends to brag about my day to at happy hour. I just knew that after a long day of work I’d be able to kick off my heels (or flats, let’s be real – I’m too bow-legged to be able to wear heels for longer than 8 minutes, let alone 8 hours), and fall onto the couch into the arms of the love of my life. I had stupidly foolish fairytale dreams of my Golden Year.
And in a flash, it’s halfway over.
I was 24 for an embarrassing twelve days before my life completely crashed before my eyes. My long-term boyfriend was struck and immediately brought to his death in a motorcycle accident. Everything that I had planned, brainstormed, and imagined was gone in a split second…literally.
I’ve been a disgusting mess ever since.
I haven’t been able to get out of bed all day. But suddenly it occurred to me that rather than being crazy, stupid happy for my Golden Year, I’ve spent it hiding, crying, lying to myself, isolating myself, cutting myself…and ultimately, hating myself.
Not only am I not anywhere near as happy as I had dreamed as an innocent child, I’m unbelievably and embarrassingly depressed. My light has nearly gone out. And I’m so ashamed of that…
I’ve fallen victim to this trap of grief, and boy, does it have its nasty, gnarly teeth sunk deep into my soul. I am broken and lost and in this dark hole that I can’t seem to crawl out of. I mean, I’m not sure if I ever stood a chance – I’m only 5’3.
But, I’ve always been a silver-lining, horoscope, “glass half-full” type of girl.
So while on this day, my golden year may be halfway over,