I’ll just be honest and cut to the chase – yesterday f**king sucked.
It was mostly my own damn fault though. Typically, my Saturdays consist of and are reserved for self-loathing, wallowing in self-pity and walking around in old t-shirts and sweats because I haven’t, and don’t plan on taking a shower.
I usually wake up, stare at my bare ceiling and realize that I’m living a nightmare.
Historically, it only takes me a few minutes upon waking and staring blankly at my ceiling to remember that I hate myself for creating such unmatchable standards for my life. And not only do I hate my life right now, but I’m starting to hate myself.
DRAMA QUEEN. I swear.
But this Saturday morning was a tad different. Considerably darker and more depress-y than usual. I’ve been struggling with a decision for a very, very, verrrry long time. But, not to ruin the fun, I’ll get into that a little later. You can consider this my charming foreshadowing for another tale.
What’s important about today happened around 10:45 PM (or something like that) – I’m not entirely sure. I had spent much of the day in and out of pity parties and crying into my t-shirt. Shamefully, I’d blown off a night of quality time with my family because I just couldn’t bear putting on another brave face. I didn’t have the heart to be truthful about my day full of wallowing out of fear of being misunderstood and embarrassed. So like the bad daughter/sister that I’ve been for the last six months, I ignored the call. And the text. And the second call.
Family, if you ever get the chance to see this, I’m so sorry. I would blame it on the recent depression, but you deserve a better apology. I’m sorry. I love you. Please understand. One day, when I’m all better, it will make sense.
Aside from the two missed calls and unanswered text from my brother asking if I was still planning on paying them a visit, my phone was silent. Per usual. My family members aren’t the only ones that I’ve been blowing off for the last few months. I’ve ignored nearly everyone. Except for one person. The only person who has made my face light up when my phone goes off. Again, I’ll get to that. Soon, I promise.
So because I’m dramatic and secretly cinematic, I dug up an old chick flick. Ironically, it’s one that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen once in my lifetime and for some reason (although I couldn’t remember the entire plot), had convinced myself that I hated it. Weird, I know.
It’s an unbelievably charming film about a young girl who desperately wants to know about how her parents met. Instead of telling the story directly, her father chooses to detail his life, and his love interests in anonymity. I’ll spare you the details (because I would highly recommend) and fast forward to my awakening.
As I do with most of my romantic comedies and chick flicks, I put myself in the character’s shoes and realize that I am missing the opportunity to capture these valuable memories and stories for my unborn daughter.
I’ve decided, on this very day that my soon-to-be princess will be named Faith.
My parents almost named me Faith. I’m not entirely sure why they went with the name Paige (I find it a rather boring and uninspiring name but I think they named me after an almost-godmother or something…not important). But right now, I need a little faith in my heart and in my spirit.
So to my future daughter Faith, my precious miracle, these are for you. These words, metaphors, totally not funny jokes, memories, daily accounts of your mother’s journey…and curse words (I’m sorry! We can start a swear jar) are all for you. These are my stories. The very things that make me who I am today. The experiences that lead me to making you and bringing you into the world.
I certainly hope that they allow you to understand me and love me more.
So without further adieu, this is for you, my love.