Dear god. If only we looked half as glamorous as the commercials do when we wash our faces.
I mean, come on. Look at this flawless woman. She looks like she’s never had an acne breakout in her life. I’d bet money that this ideal woman wouldn’t recognize a pimple if it was staring her in the face. Unfortunately for me, as of late, my skin hasn’t been nearly this nice.
Contrary to our fabulous model above, I actually look more like this.
oh and don’t get me started on how I look when Aunt Flow is visiting…
Earlier this year, after months of pimple popping and drowning my face in expensive cover-up, I flipped through the mail and noticed a Proactiv pamphlet. I’m not usually one to read my mail, let alone allow it to make its way from the mailbox to my apartment, but because my skin was starting to look like the next NASA expedition so I took a second look.
“Begin your Proactiv Starter Kit for just $15!”
I’m in marketing, so I’m not easily convinced by flashy advertising or promotions, but at the time, I could spare 15 bucks. Honestly, I could spend that much in a McDonald’s drive-thru and not bat an eye. So f*ck it! I bought the damn thing.
Pro-tip: Always read the fine print. Nothing good in life is ever one easy payment of $14.99.
Fast forward to present day and at least $100 into my subscription. It’s been a pretty challenging year so my acne has been in full swing…despite the “simple 1,2,3 steps” and “magic serum” of Proactiv. So what’s a broke Millennial to do when you have a recurring withdrawal from your empty bank account and no sign of flawless skin to do? Either cancel or whine to customer service.
I chose the second option.
I let my inner marketing guru down, yet again, as I was persuaded into freezing my ongoing shipments and trying a more “advanced” treatment plan. I think that was the representative’s sweet way of saying that my skin is so disgusting that I shouldn’t quit, they just need to take it up a notch. I mean, I couldn’t say no.
So as I wait for my new products to arrive, I thought that it would be amusing to take a look at the 6 stages of annoyed pimple poppers. You know, the moment you realize that you’ve got a big ol’ fatty forming between your eyebrows. Or God forbid, your nose. Take a look.
01. Casually finding and popping the lonely, non-threatening pimple.
So this is where it all begins. You’re washing your face, preparing to take on the day and notice a seemingly innocent pimple on your face. You squeeze and finangle the angles of your fingers to pop that little booger and BAM! It’s gone and nothing ever happened…so you thought.
02. But it snitches to its friends and you see those little bastards taking revenge on your face.
Here’s where they trick you. That little pimple that didn’t have a chance to turn into a huge yellow crater on your face turns around and tells all of its pimple friends. And suddenly, you’re covered in them. Oh no!
03. Frantically trying the commercial steps one, two, and three to wash away the pimple army.
So what do we do? Scrub your face until your pores are so exposed that even a light breeze could take the entire top layer of your face along with it.
04. And totally freaking out when it doesn’t work immediately.
Maybe it’s just me but after a deep cleanse, I expect my face to look like a fresh daisy. NOT. The pimple army is still alive and well.
05. Beauty gods: “That’s why we invented makeup”.
But that’s why the beauty gods invented makeup. Just a little dab here and there and you almost forget that you have any acne at all! And you fool everyone else in the process. Smooth as a baby’s ass. Isn’t that nice?
06. News flash: Covering it up doesn’t actually fix the problem.
But they call it “cover up” for a reason darling. Those bad boys are just waiting for you to wash off your beautiful coat of concealer to strike back as you reflect in the mirror.
07. Regretting the moments that you didn’t appreciate your acne-free face.
So we’re left with only one option. Cry and reminisce on the days of clear skin and acne-free memories. Oh, the things we would do to go back.
So my new products should arrive any day now and we’ll see how it goes. Perhaps this time Proactiv will remedy the acne war on my face and I’ll look like a porcelain doll before we know it!
…if not, I refuse to let their sales representatives fool me again. Maybe I’ll try Neutrogena.
Having a case of the pimples? Share your skincare routine with me in the comments!