I’ve spent the last 4 hours of this day scrolling through my social media feeds admiring happy family photos of my friends with their fathers. Usually, on this day I’ve spent in celebration of my own father…but this year is a bit different.
This year I don’t think I’ll be hearing from my father.
It has been over 365 days since I’ve seen you dad. What a wild year it has been. The dust has settled and the fighting has ceased, but still, the pain remains that my family is no longer whole. For those of you who haven’t heard, my parents got divorced this May and I haven’t been quite the same since.
I admired the relationship I once had with my dad. He’s always been my rock, my inspiration, my protector and my biggest fan. I could always call to scream “TOUCHDOWN!” for our favorite sports teams or to ask his opinion of a paper I’d written for class. We could sit in silence as we ate our favorite pizza or we could chatter for hours on end about our dreams of being entrepreneurs.
My heart aches this Father’s Day because I want so badly to call you and tell you how much I love you..and miss you. But you no longer have my number. Because you no longer call. My nights of texting you the score of the Cavs game are now replaced by thoughts of,
“I wonder if he’s thought about me today.”
I wonder where you are today dad. Are you sitting alone thinking of your children? Do you wonder how your twins are doing? Do you think of me and how much I’ve grown? Or are you celebrating the fact that you can call yourself a father?
I’m disappointed in your cowardice and how you were able to just walk away. The fear and the ignorance that drove you away from this family that you built. How quickly the image of the fearless man vanished from my memory and is replaced by a man of selfishness. You were once my hero and my idol. But now, I am embarrassed. And utterly saddened.
I’ve fought back tears today reading lengthy posts from my friends as they boast and brag about their wonderful fathers. I want so badly to do the same. But I can’t. I no longer see you as that man of integrity. But what I would do to see you that way again…
If you ever have a chance to read this, I want you to know that I’ve been hurting. I’ve missed you every day. But I’m angry. Angry that the lessons you’ve taught me, you still have yet to learn yourself. I want you to know that because of what you’ve taught me, I’ve been strong but a piece of me is gone without you. I wish you would pick up the phone and apologize for tarnishing the image of my life. You’ve made such an imprint on my character which has now turned into a dark scar on my heart.
I love you so much, but I’m broken dad. So wherever you are, no matter what you’re doing, I hope that you’re thinking of me. Wishing that you could do things differently. Just know that while I won’t be calling you this Father’s Day, I can’t help but see you in everything I do.
While you’ll always be my father, I miss you being my dad. Happy Father’s Day.